I'm really touched.
For you others, I'd have thought lots of frightful Americans flying in...
...was an excuse for staying away, so I thank you too.
If my darling dad had been here today...
...he would have been speaking now.
I know he would have said: "Great dress, babe...
...but why in the hell are you marrying the stiff in the skirt?"
And I would have given him the same answer that I give you:
"Because I love him."
As John Lennon said, who died the same year as my dad:
"Love is the answer.
And you know that for sure."
One more thing:
Someone told me here, that if things with Hamish didn't work out...
...that he'd step in. So thanks, and I'll keep you posted.
Bravo!
And now, my lords, ladies and gentlemen: Sir Hamish Banks.
Anyone involved in politics for the last 20 years...
...has gotten used to being upstaged by a woman.
I didn't expect it to happen to me on my wedding day.
However, I must also say...
...that I'm quite happy to be upstaged by this woman...
...for the rest of my life.
Some barracking at the back again? Something we politicians are used to.
- Shit. Find a doctor. - Right. Okay.
First, I want to extend my compliments to the bridesmaids.
You did your duty superbly.
I intend to use you every time I get married from now on.
I want to thank all those wonderful ladies of the parish...
...who did the flowers in the church.
The stern old building took on a look of flushing youth today.
I remember the first time I laid eyes on Caroline.
I thought to myself, "If by any chance she's shortsighted...
...I might just be happy for the rest of my life."
I thought I could see my future for the first time.
It was a joyful one...
...for years and years to come.
For he's a jolly good fellow
For they are jolly good fellows
And so say all of us
Good morning, and a warm welcome to you all on this cold day.
Our service will begin in a few minutes.
But first we have asked Matthew...
...Gareth's closest friend, to say a few words.
Gareth used to prefer funerals to weddings.
He said it was easier to get enthusiastic about a ceremony...
...one had an outside chance of eventually being involved in.
In order to prepare this speech, I rang people to get a general picture...
...of how Gareth was regarded by those who met him.
"Fat" seems to have been a word people most connected with him.
"Terribly rude" also rang a lot of bells.
"So very fat and very rude" seems to have been the stranger's viewpoint.
On the other hand, some of you have rung me to say that you loved him...
...which I know he would have been thrilled to hear.
You remember his fabulous hospitality.
His strange experimental cooking.
The recipe for duck à la banana...
...fortunately goes with him to his grave.
Most of all...
...you tell me of his enormous capacity for joy.
And when joyful...
When joyful, for highly vocal drunkenness.
But I hope joyful is how you will remember him.
Not stuck in a box in a church.
Pick your favorite of his waistcoats and remember him that way.
The most splendid...
...replete...
...big-hearted...
Weak-hearted, as it turned out.
- And jolly bugger most of us ever met.
As for me, you may ask how I will remember him.
What I thought of him.
Unfortunately, there I run out of words.
Forgive me if I turn from my own feelings...
...to the words of another splendid bugger:
W.H. Auden.
This is actually what I want to say:
"Stop all the clocks.
Cut off the telephone.
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone.
Silence the pianos, and with muffled drum...
...bring out the coffin.
Let the mourners come.
Let the airplanes circle, moaning overhead...
...scribbling on the sky the message:
He is dead.
Put great bows around the white necks of the public doves.
Let traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.
He was my north, my south, my east and west.
My working week and my Sunday rest.
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song.
I thought that love would last forever...
...I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now...
... put out every one.
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun.
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good."
Bye, now.
I'll take you home, Scarlett.
It's good of you to come.
Must have been the shortest honeymoon in history.
No, it's fine. We'll do it some other time.
That thing you said in the street?
Yes. I'm sorry about that.
No, I liked it.
I liked you saying it.
Charlie, I'll take Scarlett home, all right?
Yeah.
Darling Fi.
Walk, Charlie?
Yeah. Yeah, that would be grand.
Never felt like that. I mean, something vaguely similar for Jilly...
...when I was young.
Jilly?
Labrador.
Yes, it's odd, isn't it?
For years we've been single and proud and never noticed...
...that two of us were, for all intents and purposes, married all this time.
Traitors in our midst.
You know, in a way, I think death is hardest for the parents, don't you?
I hope I die before my children.
Tom...
...there's one thing I find really...
It's your total confidence that you will get married.
I mean, what if you never find the right girl?
Sorry?
Surely, if that service shows anything...
...it shows that there is a perfect match.
If we can't be like Gareth and Matthew...
...maybe we should just let it go.
Some of us are not going to get married.
Well, I don't know, Charlie.
The truth is, unlike you...
...I never expected the thunderbolt.
I always just hoped that I'd meet some nice, friendly girl...
...like the look of her.
Hope the look of me didn't make her physically sick.
Then pop the question...
...and settle down and be happy.
It worked for my parents.
Well, apart from the divorce and all that.
I'll give you six months at the outside, Tom.
Yeah, maybe you're right.
Maybe all this "waiting for one true love" stuff...
...gets you nowhere.
What the fuck is going on?
I thought we better make absolutely sure we weren't late.
Excellent wedding hairstyle.
Matthew: The best-looking best man in the world.
Listen...
...thank you for doing this today.
Of course.
I wish Gareth was here.
Bet he does too.
I'm sorry I was so late. The others are just parking the car.
I thought we'd all go with Tom.
Late? So late?
Yeah, it's 9:45.
- 9:45? - Yep, 45 minutes till "I do."
Bloody Tom! I told him to set the alarm for 8:00.
Fuck it!
Fuck!
Scarlett.
- Oh, hi. - You ready?
Absolutely. Give me 20 seconds.
- Time? - Honestly?
Yes! Time?!
About 10 to 9:00.
Bastards.
Jessica, stop jumping up and down, please.
1, 2, 3, smile!
This is splendid tuck.
Yes, I think I might say a little word.
As many of you know, I've closely observed Charles' love life for years.
Recently, I'd started to despair and fear that he was married to us.
Apart from the fact that we won't have his babies.
I don't know about that.
Fortunately, it's turned out splendidly.
The girl in question is sadly crazy...
...but perhaps that's why he loves her.
I'd like to propose a toast to my Charlie and his beautiful girl...
...on this tragic day.
So be happy and don't forget us.
Thank you.
To Charles and duckface.
To Charles and duckface!
- What do you think? - You look divine.
It does work, doesn't it?
Yes.
I thank Fiona for those charming words about my future wife.
I'd like to take this opportunity...
...to read a little message from her to you all.
This is exciting.
She says, "If any of you come near the house, I'll set the dogs on you."
I think that's rather a nice touch.
"I'll set the dogs on you."
John, hi.
You made it. Good.
I hope me damn sister turns up. Not much of a wedding without a bride.
Bit of a poor show, you not having a stag night.
We did. We did.
We didn't think it was a very good idea in this day and age.
Really?
Fi, you do look lovely today.
Yes, as you can see I've abandoned my traditional black.
Yes, so you have.
From now on, I shall be all the colors of the rainbow...
...and fall in love with someone who fancies me for a change.
Darling Fi.
- Look. - What?
Lipstick everywhere. That won't do at all.
Hi. Hi.
Good luck.
Hello. Glad you could come.
How are you?
Groom's on the right. Bride's, left.
Groom on the right. Bride on the left.
Oh, my God!
I thought you'd gone back to Texas.
Without you, never.
Good luck.
The bride or groom?
Bride or groom?
It should be perfectly obvious I'm neither.
Great God!
Bride or groom?
Bride.
Yes...
...fine.
I've got a feeling we've met before.
We have. About 25 years ago.
I'm second cousin Harold's daughter, Deirdre. You're Tom.
Good lord!
- So you're family. - Yes.
Only very distant.
Well, yes, of course.
You said you were bride?
Yes.
Well, do sit.
Do sit here, Deirdre.
Golly.
Thunderbolt city.
Hello, Matthew.
- Hello, Charles. - Bernard, how are you?
Exhausted, actually.
- That's funny. Charles. - Hello, Lyd.
Hi.
You look lovely.
But I always did like you dressed for weddings.
- And on time! - Yep! Extraordinary thing, isn't it?
How's Hamish?
Oh, he's fine, I believe.
You believe?
Well, yes, he wasn't the man for me after all.
You left him?
We left each other.
When?
A few months now.
March was hell. By April, it was sordid.
That's the last time I marry someone three times my age.
Charlie? Charles, time to travel.
Yeah. Yeah.
Coming. Good.
Good.
So why didn't you get in touch, then?
I did think about it.
I wanted to, but...
I was in a state.
So anyway, I don't want to keep you.
And I'll see you afterwards.
Yeah. Fine, excellent.
Wait.
I'll show you to your seat.
Just showing her to her seat.
Our timing's been really bad, hasn't it?
It's been bad, yes.
It's been a disaster.
It has, as you say, been...
...very bad indeed.
God, it's lovely to see you.
Well, good luck.
It's pretty easy.
Just say "I do" whenever anyone asks you a question.
Could you just give me a sec, Matthew?
Yes, of course. Freshen up at will.
Dear lord, forgive me for what I'm about to...
...say in this magnificent place of worship.
Bugger!
Bugger! Bugger! Bugger!
Bugger!
Can I help at all?
Huh? No. Thanks.
Sorry.
Vocal exercises. Big church.
Excellent. Often do the same myself.
Not exactly the same vocab, obviously.
Rather more hallelujahs.
I'll leave you.
Bride's arriving.
Fabulous! We seem to have lost the groom.
Stall her, and I'll see if I can find him.
Roger. Wilco.
Charles.
It's good to see you.
Yeah. Yeah.
Matt, what do we think about marriage?
Gosh.
Well, I think it's really good...
...if you love the person with all your heart.
Well, exactly.
Quite.
All these weddings. All these years.
All that blasted salmon and champagne.
Here I am on my own wedding day...
...and I'm still thinking.
Can I ask about what?
No.
No, I think best not.
I'm sorry, there's a delay. A problem with the flowers.
Flowers? What?
Unfortunately, there are a high proportion of hay fever sufferers...
...who've been stuck right by the damn flowers.
So we're moving the congregation.
Don't want the vows obliterated by sneezing.
Would it be out of place for me to say time's ticking by?
Should've started by now.
I think I've fooled them so far.
If you have a reputation for being stupid, people are less suspicious.
Hello.
Here you are.
Ready to face the enemy?
Are we?
Yes.
Excellent.
Not so tight, Dad!
Dearly beloved...
...we are gathered together here in the sight of God...
...and in the face of this congregation...
...to join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony...
...which is an honorable estate...
...instituted of God in the time of man's innocence.
Signifying unto us the mystical union...
...that is betwixt Christ and His church...
...and therefore is not by any to be enterprized...
...nor taken in hand unadvisedly, lightly, or wantonly...
...but reverently, discreetly, advisedly...
...soberly, and in the fear of God.
Therefore, if any man can show any just cause...
...why they may not lawfully be joined together...
...let him speak now or else hereafter...
...forever hold his peace.
I'm sorry, does someone have something to say?
Yes? What is it?
One second.
What's going on?
- He wants me to translate. - What is he saying?
He says, "I suspect the groom is having doubts.
I suspect the groom would like to delay."
"I suspect the groom..."
What's he saying?
He says...
...he suspects the groom...
...loves someone else.
And do you?
Do you love someone else? Do you, Charles?
I do.
Get out of my way!
Let me kill him!
Blimey.
At least it's one we won't forget.
A lot of weddings just blend into each other.
Oh, for God's sake.
This one will stick out in the memory.
For not actually including a wedding service.
Poor girl.
No, I mean it, poor girl! She's not my favorite person...
...but what you did today might be unforgivable.
I can't bear to think about it.
Poor Hen.
Though, let's face facts.
If you weren't sure you wanted to marry her today...
...of all days, i.e., your wedding day...
...then it must be the right decision, mustn't it?
Quite right, Tom.
It was a lovely dress. Useful for parties.
What did he say, Charles?
Says he blames himself.
Absolutely not.
No, you mustn't, David.
No, no. If there's music to be faced...
...I should be facing it.
Hello.
Hi! You're soaking. Come in.
No, no. I'm fine.
Comes a point you can't get wetter.
- Okay, I'll come out. - No, please don't.
I just wanted to check you're okay.
Not busy killing yourself or anything, but...
But you're fine, so...
I shouldn't have come to the church this morning. I'm sorry.
No! No!
Wait. It was all my fault. I mean, I'm the bastard here.
And it definitely sorted out one thing, which is, marriage and me...
...we're very clearly not meant for one another.
Sorted out another big thing as well.
There I was, standing there in the church...
...and for the first time in my whole life I realized I...
...totally and utterly loved one person.
And it wasn't the person standing next to me in the veil, it's...
...the person standing opposite me now...
...in the rain.
Is it still raining? I hadn't noticed.
The truth of it is...
...I've loved you from the first second I met you.
You're not suddenly going away again, are you?
No. I might drown, but otherwise, no.
Okay, okay. We'll go in.
But first, let me ask you one thing.
Do you think...
...after we've dried off...
...after we've spent lots more time together...
...you might agree...
...not to marry me?
And do you think...
...not being married to me might be something you could consider...
...doing for the rest of your life?
Do you?
I do.